I’ve been absent. I’ve also been dealing with a depressive episode. The two are not unrelated.
I read this awesome blog today celebrating a one year soberversary, and I realized I’m only 75 days behind that person. Like, What? That’s decent. Like, hey girl – that’s really good!
So what did I do? I started drafting up my one year sobervesary blog post and as a result all of these nuggets of realization began to flood my brain. They are as follows:
- Starting this blog in the first place stirred up a lot of emotions about my Bipolar Disorder.
- Not drinking alcohol has forced me to deal with those emotions without hiding behind anything.
- All of this dealing and not hiding is exhausting.
I’d rather hide and not deal.
2019 has been hard. It’s been emotionally raw and transforming and different than all of the years before. I’ve changed more this year than I have in a really long time. I am learning to come to terms with these changes and embracing a new way of living, and none of that is easy.
I’ve spent a majority of the year in a dirty bedroom, a dirty car, loathing myself and barely floating above the surface, but something has shifted recently. Sort of like, I’m coming out of my cocoon. I haven’t shed it all yet. It’s all still kind of a huge mess, which of course life just is.
To start – I’ve taken a major step back toward God and my faith and I’ve cleaned my room (car to follow soon – can’t be too ambitious). I’ve started taking a few steps to create a bit of routine in my day. Too much routine bores me. Not enough overwhelms me. I have to be moderate when I make changes. So, I’ve started with the the following:
- I try to hit snooze no more than twice (it’s a massive struggle).
- I make my bed first thing in the morning before I do anything else.
- I read the scripture daily.
- I try to drink enough water.
Ok, that’s enough. I’m tired just thinking about that huge list of things I have to accomplish daily. Notice how showering isn’t even on it? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
I’ve wanted to sit down and blog so many times. I’ve had so many ideas and totally thought-provoking topics to share, but when I’m dealing with a depressive episode I have trouble staying still, sitting down, and focusing. All of my focus has been used up in other places. Why would I waste what precious ration of focus I’ve managed to stir up on my personal life? It was only last week that I sat down and actually drafted out the blog about the 10 year anniversary of my father’s passing, which I in turn forgot to post on time. *Sigh*
Well, I’m still here and I still have things to share, and yes – I’m feeling pretty good today. Not fantastic, but much better than OK. I’ll take it! I haven’t made a full recovery and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I’ve found something to wake up, get up, and show up for.
Life. There’s still a lot of it to be lived, Lord willing.
I look forward to what’s to come, but today I’ll focus on some of the smaller things. Small things lead to bigger things, and I’m here for it. All of it.