A Girl Is OK

I feel stupid. I let yesterday’s exciting moments get overshadowed by one thing. One thing that, yes, still saddens me, but one thing nonetheless. I should have never let that happen.

Today was a good day. I got enough sleep, I got a lot of work done, and I ate dinner. It isn’t often that all three of those things happen in a 24 hour period.

They say if you want to hear God laugh just tell him what you’ve got planned. I’ve thought about this a lot. After reading The Alchemist this week I understand what going in search of your Personal Legend means… kind of. Bipolar Disorder has stolen good things in my life and I’m tired of it. Enough is enough. Being in recovery is a good thing, yes, but I still get angry that this illness stole so many of my hopes and dreams, and sometimes it feels as if it continues to do that. So, while there is no cure and recovery doesn’t mean that I beat this illness, I will do my best to not let it steal anything good from me anymore if I can help it.

Since yesterday my heart has felt like ice… just cold. While I would normally cry over certain things, I can’t bring myself to do it. I should release my tears, but I can’t seem to emote the way I want to, or at all. I don’t know yet if that is a weakness or a strength. I have mixed feelings about it.

What I am going to say next might make some people sad, but it is honestly the way I feel. It isn’t sad. It isn’t bitter. It is just an acceptance. I’ve often said that God does not intend for everyone to have a partner, a spouse, whatever. Some people are meant to go through life without one. Without in anyway intending to presume what God has planned for my life, I can say that I truly believe I am one of these people.

They say quit looking and it will find you. Well, I’m done. I give up. I quit. I can’t do it anymore. My best friend told me she has PTSD for me from the amount of heartache she has seen me endure. I just ask myself, were they all my fault? Am I defective? Mama says that someday someone will love me “warts and all”. Well, I know that a lot of people love me “warts and all”, but not the way mama meant it, and that’s ok. I am happy letting go of the weight of society’s pressures and expectations for my life. I don’t want children either so I’m sure that will get someone all riled up somehow. My life. My choice – but that’s an entire blog for another day.

I am ok with this. I’ve prayed over it. I’ve prayed for those who have walked out of my life for someone else, for themselves, for whatever reason. I feel a strange peace blanketing me and I can breathe. It isn’t that I don’t believe in “love”. I most certainly do. I am still a romantic at heart.

I will still enjoy romcoms, ok everyone. I will still enjoy a good love story. I will never stop watching When Harry Met Sally, guys. NEVER.

If God has a surprise in store for me it will be just that, a surprise. Until then, I will read my books, crochet a bunch of things I don’t need, play my violin, and continue to kick ass in training. I am still loveable.

I am.