I haven no idea why I am awake. 24 hours ago I was sleeping like a rock. Either way my eyes are open and while my body feels tired my mind doesn’t want to shut up.
This shit-show of an emotional rollercoaster that I have been on since the beginning of the year seems to be leveling out somewhat. Maybe the medication I am withdrawing from that contributed to my depression is finally leaving my system. I still have a small red bump on my arm that I think may finally be getting smaller. I’m hoping that means I’m over the hump. It makes me think of those pharma commercials that say when you stop taking an injectable, “you may experience redness at site of injection…”. Stupid.
I haven’t turned into she-hulk or broken anything since Wednesday March 27. I have had a couple of smaller isolated incidents including a panic attack about a week and a half ago but I’m pretty sure my lack of coping with mild stress contributed to those. Either way it’s not typical and it is on my list of items to address in counseling. I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not but I am going back to one-on-one counseling. Sort of nervous, but I know it helps, so I am hoping for the best. I’ve been writing down all of the things I want to address over the weeks ahead. Inability to cope with stress being up there on the list. Trusting others – an issue I didn’t realize I had until recently – is up there as well.
I was really stable for a lot of years so I’m trying not to beat myself up too hard that I’ve had issues lately. It isn’t my fault. It’s this stupid thing called Bipolar Disorder. With that said, it would be my fault if I didn’t deal with my shit. That would fall on me.
On another note, I keep feeling guilty, like… for doing better. I went to support group the other day and while I’ve been in same the dark places a lot of the other participants are in I am no way close to that place right now. It makes me feel guilty for some reason. I am so extremely blessed to have, with some exception, a pretty functional life. Trust me, I have my shit, but I’m not in the depths of the hell I used to live in.
I know I should feel proud of myself instead of guilty, but I don’t. Item number 472 to discuss in therapy, right?
I should feel tired soon, I hope. I already can’t wait for coffee when I wake up. It feeds my soul .
3:50 AM. Cheers.
p.s. today I am 90 days teetotal. yay!