bipolar disorder, mental wellness

Here Comes the Rain

I actually have today off. It’s a rare treat for a Saturday. I had plans for today that I canceled due to a forecast of bad weather. It’s almost 3:00 PM and finally the bad weather is setting in, which means I could have kept my morning plans. Yet somehow I am not frustrated, nor am I angry or sad. Actually, that might be a lie. I might be sad, but I’m fighting it somewhat and for the time being I am winning, but it will catch up to me at some point and I will have to deal with it.

For now, however, I am filled with love and gratitude. I am thankful to God for letting me feel things. Real things. Don’t get me wrong… that thankfulness can turn into anger quickly. When I hurt I am angry and when life is painful I get beyond sad. All of those feelings eventually turn into rage. I don’t understand why I have this thing – this monster – that magnifies every damn emotion. However, at least for today, I feel that even if love is going to hurt I am thankful to experience it. A real version of it. It shows me that I am enough for someone and that someone can love me, as my mom says, “warts and all”. Meaning I can be loved in spite of my imperfections. I know now that it exists.

The wind is picking up so I know the storm is on its way. I’m not sure if that is a metaphor or not, but for right now I’ll sit keeping my hands busy with my crocheting. Who knows though, the power is already flickering and the satellite has lost signal so I might be hanging out by candlelight for a while, or I might go out and hit the bag in 40 mph winds. Both sound pleasing at the moment.

I guess my message for today is that even if something might not go as planned, it can still be beautiful and worthwhile.

…and here comes the rain.

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