mental wellness

I Literally Don’t Even Know

I don’t want to bitch about life, and I don’t want to seem needy. It’s a recurring theme in my life – feeling like a burden. Ironically just after I wrote that last sentence someone actually told me I was being needy. Perfect.

I went to my support group tonight. Naturally, just before I felt like not going. I was in a super grumpy mood, but I went knowing that I would feel different afterward. As far as group goes, yes, I am glad I went. My thoughts were a bit scattered and I couldn’t really gather them the way I wanted to, but it is what it is and it always helps me no matter what.

This morning I felt good. I woke up a little tired, but I took a shower, put my face on, brushed my hair. I even felt pretty for a little while, but tonight I am flat-out emotional. Tonight there are gray lines of mascara dried to my cheeks. Sometimes the only person in the world you want to talk to just doesn’t want to talk to you back. Sometimes they just don’t care what state you’re in and sometimes they aren’t even concerned that you’re hurting.

People need other people. That is one of my favorite sayings, but when does needing support turn into being “needy”? I mean, I think I’m a pretty decent listener. I am probably not as great at it as I want to be, but nobody is. Actually going to group helps me tremendously with my listening skills. Tonight I shared less and listened more. I am not the type of person who gives with the expectation of getting. That isn’t how life works, but it sure can be nice when it works out that way. It always leads to me feeling like a burden again, though.

I literally don’t even know. If you need me I’ll be here wading through all the bullshit. By myself.

 

A hug would be nice.

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