I did not wake up in the best head space this morning. I woke up with a headache, a huge kink in my neck, and the complete inability to peel myself up off my sheets. I don’t know what it is lately… sometimes I’m up with the sun and other days I cannot make myself get out of bed. I meant to get to work a bit earlier, but I need a bit of time to gather myself before I head out. Besides – I need my coffee.
When I finally made it downstairs I took my medicine, but was so distracted and scattered that I almost put two coffee filters in the coffee pot and tried putting the coffee creamer away in the cupboard. I know that I’ll feel better once my medicine kicks in and this coffee hits my bloodstream.
For some reason I feel kind of sad. I am filled with missing. I’m missing a lot of people today, some of whom I will never see in this life again, one of whom I have yet to physically see in this life. I’m having a bit of a cry about it if I can be completely honest.
Sometimes I live in fear as if I don’t know why good things find me because I feel like everything I touch turns to ash. It’s like I don’t think I deserve wonderful things. When I’ve let people who are no longer in my life make me feel that way I believed them. So now, when someone tells me the opposite I have a hard time believing it. I constantly have to remind myself that I am worth good and happy things in this life. I am a work in progress.
For so long I’ve seen myself as a self-sabotaging “ruiner” of all things good. I am so worried that I will lose the things and people I love. It makes life difficult because it fills me with a never-ending anxiety.
I do believe that the inability of my brain to function correctly has contributed to my lack of believing that I am worth anything.
With all of that said, I am going to do my best to be much kinder to myself today, and tomorrow, and the next day.
Day by day.
**I’d also like to add that today is 80 days teetotal. That makes me feel really good about myself.**