mental wellness

Another One

Ok, Thursday. I see you and I raise you one.

It is 10:37 pm and I am currently sitting in my office working up the energy to leave. Eight jam-packed hours of excitement. For example: when a patron unnecessarily calls the fire department and freaks out all of my other patrons. Never a dull moment at my job.

What’s weird about today is that not only did I have a shit day, but two people in my life with Bipolar Disorder also had shit days. Maybe there is something in the air.

I’m trying to sort out my feelings about today. Tomorrow I may wake up in a great mood or I may not. It’s exhausting not knowing which Sarah is going to present tomorrow. This back and forth wears me out. I know other people are dealing with their own feelings and the last thing I want to do drag them down further with my crap. I’m usually pretty good at doing it on my own, but as I often like to reiterate, people need other people. We can’t just do everything on our own. I really try to be there for people because I genuinely care about them. I don’t want them to hurt or be sad or angry or anything that makes them feel less than wonderful. I have no problem setting my “stuff” aside in order to do that. I never do it with the expectation of getting the same in return. Most people just don’t do that, but shit. Sometimes I need someone, too. The world can be a lonely place.

Yesterday I felt loved. Today I feel alone. Maybe I am not as loved as I thought I was. Maybe it was just passing and now it’s gone. At least that is how it feels. What is that saying again? Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.

I am doing my best to not repeat my mistakes, but changing is difficult. Especially when you can’t predict your own weather patterns. Today started rather dreary, the winds picked up, it stormed, and now the stars are just beyond the clouds. That’s how my weather was today.

I am exhausted. I used up a lot of energy being anxious and sad, but I used up a lot more energy concerned about someone else. That’s just who I am.

It’s 11:00 pm on the dot. I am obviously still sitting in my office. My freezing cold, meat-locker of an office. My hands are cold and my fingers can barely hit the keys on the keyboard. I should pack up and go home but I can’t seem to move. I also don’t have much else to say so I am in a bit of a conundrum aren’t I?

Tomorrow is a day off. I guess I will take the 7 minute walk to my car through the creepy garage now and call it a night. Also, I feel a little better.

Good night.

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