Things have been a bit rocky. I had this dream the other night that I was desperately looking for help. I was desperately looking for someone to beg for help because I was breaking down and I wasn’t going to make it on my own. Except in the dream I couldn’t get my words out. All I could do was panic. My words wouldn’t come out and I couldn’t hear anything. All I could see was everyone laughing at me. No one thought I was serious. They all just looked and pointed and laughed.
Then I woke up.
I have been having strange and very vivid dreams lately. It happens when I cycle up or down. I don’t always remember them, but I remembered this one. I know someone out there can relate to it. We have all felt this way at some point… as if you’re just trying to be heard and no one will listen.
Most of my days are pretty good, or they were. Lately I have had more ups and downs. I typically try to always be hopeful and be positive, but sometimes it is really freaking difficult. I need the extra support right now and that alone makes me feel weak and needy. With that said I have found support it in some unlikely places. I am grateful for it all the same. Sometimes, though, you wish it would come from certain places and it just doesn’t. Sometimes the people you think will ask you how the fight is going just don’t or won’t or whatever. Some people will never ask. They will never offer to fight with you.
I am still not feeling like myself. I have been unable to fight my triggers lately. I am not even fighting them poorly. I am just not fighting them at all. They have been winning and I don’t know why. Maybe I am tired. It just gets so exhausting to always have your fists up. I am always watching over my shoulder waiting for the monster to catch up. I get tired and sometimes I want to sit down and rest, but I can’t because if I slow down at all, it will find me. I have to live with my guard up.
It is one of those things that you truly don’t understand unless it is happening to you. If I am mad and yell at someone, that person can walk away from me. I can’t walk away from me. I am stuck with me. I am stuck with all of the garbage floating around in my brain lying to me, telling me that I am worth nothing. I am stuck with knowing that I am but an inconvenience to someone else. I am stuck knowing that there is no cure for this thing and that I will always be living on guard.
Today I am tired, but I can’t bear to break anymore hearts… so I am fighting.
According to my dreams, I will still be fighting even when I fall asleep.