mental wellness

Sarah.. a donde es soís?

IMG_4317Sarah… where are you?

I don’t feel like myself right now. I hate it. The worst part is that when I try to remember what feeling like myself is even means I can’t seem to remember. I just know it’s not this.

Looking back throughout the past few months I think there were a lot of signs that I missed, and I think I missed them because it’s been so long since I have gone through this. I’ve changed my appearance, I’ve been forgetful, and my sleep has changed. I know now that these are red flags for me.

I got angry this morning. No, it wasn’t anger, it was rage. When I get that way I can’t seem to filter what I do or say. When I come down from that moment I am beyond upset. It makes me think of my dad. We had the same temper… which is more than just a temper. I want to talk to him about it because I know he understood what it was like. I don’t know if he had Bipolar. Maybe not, but he and I were alike in a lot of ways. Not many people around me understand what it’s like. Even when someone thinks they understand they don’t. Reading a book about Bipolar Disorder is not the same thing as experiencing first person.

You know, when I stopped consuming alcohol someone told me that I would go through a difficult period where I would be forced to deal with my crap without a drink to hide behind and she was right. I didn’t want to believe her and I denied it in my head because I didn’t really  have a drinking problem. I am not an alcoholic and I rarely drank anyway. The thing is that I consumed alcohol when I knew I wasn’t supposed to because of my medications. I knew I could not ever seem to find my limit and that I would feel awful for days afterward. I might not have had a “drinking problem” but I did have a problem dealing with alcohol when it was in front of me. None of this means I want to go out and have a drink. I don’t. This concept makes total sense to me, though.

Today I asked someone who I am because I can’t seem to remember. That person reminded me that I am a musician. I am an artist. I love family and food. I love my dog. I love hitting the mitts. I love fishing and I love hair and makeup. That’s a pretty good description of me.

I don’t want anyone to worry, even though I know some of you will. All I ask is that maybe you give me an extra hug… or maybe just say hello when you see me. I might lie and say I’m doing great when you ask, but trust me… the fact that you asked is enough for me. It truly makes me feel better.

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Yesterday my friend and co-worker bought me lunch. I was having a really bad morning that included someone hitting my car and that small gesture meant so much to me. I am not asking that everyone buy me lunch (although, I won’t turn down food), but even something small to someone who is going through a hard time means a lot.

I appreciate everyone who has been there. I appreciate even the smallest gestures. I appreciate a good hug. I’m still here. I will be myself again… eventually. I promise.

 

 

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