One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

My worst fear is a relapse and it’s happening. I have been soundly on my medications for years with very minimal symptoms but lately I can feel something changing. I don’t know what it is but I am mentally exhausted. It’s not a thing that I am exhausted from or a situation, it’s life. I’m exhausted of existing… of fighting. I want this feeling to go away.

I would say that absolute rock bottom was 2006, and that is simply because I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know that I have Bipolar Disorder. I just knew something was wrong and didn’t know how to fix it. This time I recognize the monster at first glance. I know I need to get a grip on this thing before The Kraken is released. I am scared that I will have to change my medications and I will have to go through another period of trials and errors. I just don’t have time for that.

The other thing is feeling like all of the tools I learned going to therapy have gone out the window. I can’t seem to find them in my mind. They’re just gone. I cannot control myself and that in itself is an awful way to live. I like to be in control, as hard as it sometimes is. I know that I have it in me, I just don’t know where.

In getting to this point I have realized that I have been more forgetful lately. I literally walk downstairs to get something and by the time I reach the bottom step I don’t remember what I was doing or what I was supposed to be getting. In addition to the forgetfulness I have been more tired, and more anxious. It’s a weird mix. I think that this may be an indicator for me that my mind is going through something, changing, and possibly about to turn on me.

Last night I had an episode. The worst one in a while. The last one was in December, but before that it had been over a year. That is a red flag that something is going wrong. Two episodes in two and a half months. That’s not normal for me anymore. Bipolar episodes are exhausting to say the least. The build up, the trigger, the anger, the action, the throwing, the breaking, the remorse, the crying, the trying to breathe, the trying to sleep, the waking up with a puffy face and trying to get through the next day. I hurt people and I have to live with that, and the people I hurt think they’re hurting… but if they only knew. They don’t know. They can’t know what I’m feeling. Trust me when I say that hurting others and putting others through hell is a lot worse than getting hurt by someone else. The miracle is that they forgave me. I don’t always feel like I deserve that, but yet they still do.

So here is where my wellness journey hits a giant pothole in the road. I’ve got a flat tire, maybe two. Traffic is flying by and I’ve got to get out of here somehow. I know I have to ask for help because I can’t do it alone, so that’s what I will do. I will ask for help.

I am stronger than this monster. I am David and it is Goliath, and I can win. I will do it.

It is not my fault. It is not my fault. It is not my fault.