Last summer I found a support group literally five minutes from my house. I was super excited and went a few times but then work and things and stuff got in the way and I quit going. Well, as a result of this little blog I’ve started a lot of emotions have been stirred up and I am dealing and re-dealing with a lot of things. So, I decided to go back.
Tonight was my first night back and I had one of the best shares I’ve ever had. There or anywhere. I may have talked in my previous posts about how it doesn’t matter how long it’s been since my diagnosis, or how much I’ve “accepted” it, I still don’t want it. I do not want this thing called Bipolar Disorder. It turns out that I am not alone. It’s what I’ve been saying all along, but sometimes I need to hear it, too.
I shared my recent decision to become teetotal. Today marks 24 days. After sharing, I realized that although I never thought I had a problem with alcohol that maybe I did. It did cover up my insecurities and it did make me feel good (until I passed my limit). I was using it as a coping mechanism to make life more fun and avoid dealing with issues and emotions that I’ve buried for so long. I literally had someone telling me this to my face and in that moment I was in complete denial. Then I got in the car and drove home. That person was right. I just didn’t want it to be true. Having a completely clear head is going to force me to confront my demons.
It’s funny, as cathartic as blogging is, it definitely makes me emotional. I love doing it and I will continue writing. I guess I just thought that I knew how it would make me feel. I had no clue. I honestly feel like this is a good thing, though. I feel like I’m learning more about who I am, making decisions that make my life better, and figuring out what I need when I need it.
Someone attending tonight mentioned that a previous group would sometimes have a code word or phrase to pick a person’s mind up out of the darkness. They know there is no way to “snap out of it”, but a distraction to break a difficult thought can help. Today it was, “your bra is on backwards”. It works.
I’ve gotten so much support from my friends, sisters, family, and my group. I can’t say thank you enough for that and I hope you continue along with me on the ride.
People need other people. It’s just the way it is.
And when things get tough, just remember, your bra is on backwards.